Mercedes Benz S-Guard TrackTest Review

The S-Guard looks exactly like the regular S-Class, only a bit slower. Even though the S-Guard looks like a regular four door saloon, it isn’t exactly what it seems. The S-Guard is an armoured version of the regular S-Class and is designed to save the lives of all the occupants inside, no matter what. It could be a grenade, it could be a battalion of guerrilla soldiers with AK47s, or it could be a bomb strapped underneath the car, nothing along these lines can pierce through the armour plated structure of the S-Guard. Regardless of whatever you throw at it, the S-class will keep moving.

The first place someone would probably want to shoot are the tyres to try and stop the vehicles once your bullets ricochet off the 3 inch thick window and windscreen glass. At full deflation, the run flat tyres are designed to keep the car moving for 30kms. The wheels, the tyres, the inner rims are all reinforced with steel internally and weigh 50 kilograms alone… each. Each door weighs 200kgs, the firewall, the back of the rear seats, the bottom of the car and the roof are all reinforced with steel armour plating. The total kerb weight of the car is 2225kgs which is the exact total of a standard S-class with a standard E-class on its roof. IT IS HEAVY!

To handle the colossal added weight, both axles have been reinforced and instead of aluminium parts, all have been replaced with reinforced steel parts and uprated brakes all around. Just to cope with all that massive weight from all the armour.

You actually feel all the weight even before you get in the car. At first when you open the doors, you attempt to open it like you always have all your life. But you nudge the handle and you begin to realise what everything is all about. Just to open the 200kgs doors, you need to put your back into it. And when you do, you notice a simple cabin waiting for you inside which is exactly the same as a normal S-Class. All full of luxury, all full of finesse and German standards of quality and refinement.

But all that weight needs to move, so they unscrewed the 5 litre V8 and threw it out of the factory window and bolted in a 6 litre twin turbo charged V12 which produces 530bhp mated to a 7 speed automatic transmission, it delivers 830Nm of torque. It’s enough to move the moon out of orbit!... probably. I’m not a rocket scientist, just trying to prove a point. I was thinking, all that weight and all that power and torque, how does that work? I wanted to know, though it sound epic on paper, how is it on tarmac? So I took it for a spin on our home grown F1 track – Buddh International Circuit, for a small spin to get to grips of how all this actually works.

Setting off in the pit lane, the S-Guard was so smooth, it was unbelievable. Everything from the power being delivered to the rear wheels to the sound of the engine to the feel of the pedals at my feet or the electronic power steering wheel all of it felt so smooth, I just felt that the car was literally driving me away instead of the other way around. Exiting the pit lane and pinning the throttle, the power isn’t immediate though it’s linear. It’s designed to do that because it’s not meant for a racetrack, it’s for the comfort of the rear passengers who should be able to sip a glass of champagne while the driver worries about the shower of bullets headed their way. It’s so refined that unless you’re at half throttle, you can’t downshift just because it would jerk the car and would spill their drinks.

The suspension is so soft and gooey even in Jason Statham mode. At one point I clipped a curb too much as the instructor notified me. In any other car, I would hear the wheels rumbling and feel it slightly, but no matter how much curb I took, I couldn’t feel or hear a thing. I was like just on a bed of air. The only thing in this car that was obvious but we usually take for granted - the weight of the steering wheel. The car weighs over 2000kgs so to steer the car you need a massive amount of muscle in your shoulders and abs just to point the car into the direction you want it to go even with the EPAS. It’s smooth but it isn’t hard to manage at all and literally, anybody can do it. It’s that simple and easy to drive. Taking the parabola on the track entering at a speed of around 80kmph, turn in and just a dab of left foot brake, the back end slips out ever so slightly and so easily letting out tyre squeals, still it’s so easy to control despite it weighing as much as Buckingham Palace.

So then if you have any of the four personality traits I mentioned above then the S-Guard is for you. I will admit, considering the hefty price tag, the first trait is highly necessary but nonetheless the S-Guard will save your life no matter what. Included in the price is a two day trip to Germany for two, not for a holiday but a driver training programme to teach the owner and his chauffeur how to drive. Every little nook and cranny of every element in the car and around it has had years of thought put into it. From windows to tyres, to the chassis to the axles, everything has been designed to serve one purpose and one purpose only, to save whosoever is present in the cabin of the car from any kind of harm from wooden splinters to AK47s or bazookas to grenades. Anything and everything so if you are a wealthy actor who has millions of crazy screaming fans who love you so much they want to kill you, or a lunatic dictator who everyone loves to hate and want his your head on a platter, the S-Guard is the car for you. Or if you feel the need for a bullet proof car, then I’d suggest you take a look at it if you want. You won’t be disappointed that’s for sure.